Boys Club

I’m a woman, which is rare in my family. I don't have any sisters, my mom doesn't have any sisters, her mom didn't have any sisters. I have a dad and brother and grew up with an additional step-dad and two more brothers. I have FIVE uncles.(My dad does have a lovely sister & she's the only female with four brothers) Seven/eight of my cousins-male. I'm the oldest daughter, oldest granddaughter (both sides), and even the oldest great-grandchild all around.

It's notable that I'm related to great women through marriage, but their loyalty isn't tied to me, its to the men I'm related to or was married to. Going through separation is hard enough, but when a good chunk of your female support system is related to you through marriage, you have no allies.

I’m the eldest, and there's no women. Im Not only is there no women, but the men aren't science teachers & podiatrists, they're military and police. So, I want you to imagine the method of feedback I was raised with and the type of (lack of) nurturing I received.

There was no respect for anything feminine and I learned quickly that I wasn't allowed to challenge anyone. Still, to this day, my education and life experience is dismissed as emotional and dramatic. My strong opinions are viewed as ‘being mouthy’.

The intense impact I experienced of pregnancy, child birth, mothering, and childloss was all looked at through a male lens, and the normal processes and transitions I went through were treated as inconveniences and mental illness. I greatly contribute having no women in my life to suffering with postpartum depression. I was literally neglected physically and emotionally while going through the most vulnerable time in my life. Aunties and sisters bring casseroles and do the laundry. Uncles and brothers make fun of your body, your exhaustion, and your emotions.

In fact, when I have behaved like a woman at all or had the audacity to challenge men, it has been pathologized into mental illness. I don't feel as though most of my family members didn't care about me or had malicious intent, but I'm not a man, and I'm not supposed to be treated like one.

When I look back, I can see that I put myself in very feminine roles and hobbies. I danced and cheered, went to college for ‘professional’ caregiving, joined a sorority. I was searching out sisterhood and feminine energy in the only places I knew to look. Unfortunately, I looked in very stereotypical places and placed myself in positions to appear weak, stupid, and behaving like an indentured servant.

I didn't know how to navigate the world as a strong woman, I only saw my mother and grandmother do whatever their husbands said, and defending their bad behavior. When the men they were attached to (be it their husbands, brothers, or sons) did things like say I was fat, belittle my intelligence, or insult my emotions, I was fed the line that many women hear, “He does that because he cares about you and wants what’s best for you”.

Being the only female in a family of males, you would assume I would be fiercely protected. Yet, no one showed up when my moms two husbands were after her, and no one showed up when my house was crumbling either. After my son died and my husband was out of control, there was echoes of empathy for him instead of me, because they could understand why he would turn so awful, but couldn't understand my sadness and distress. It was the biggest slap in the face.

So much of my ‘mental illness’ is rooted in not behaving like a man. It's insane and cruel to force a freshly postpartum mom to find a new career, yet when I struggled with that dilemma I was labeled crazy. It's insane and crazy to expect a grieving mother to be a teacher to children of the same age, yet when I struggled with that dilemma, I was labeled crazy again. The label ‘dramatic’ is thrown around often too as an invalidating message to provide a reason as to why no one has to help-things aren't actually bad, she's just dramatic.

And now I have my own kids. I have sons and daughters. I feel like I broke a curse, the first set of sisters in generations. I don't mean that facetiously either-I feel like I'm returning matriarchal leadership back into my lineage. I'm grateful I'm raising a son where the energy tips towards the feminine. I believe it will teach my son to truly behave in a masculine manner. That the respect and protection is giving to the providers of LIFE over money.