Familial Red Flags

I am FASCINATED with the family system. I always have been, so much so I went to college to learn how it functions. To learn how our place in our family is truly the foundation of how we operate in larger systems in our society. And in today's society, most families are highly dysfunctional. And in dysfunctional families, domestic violence is often one of the cornerstones of how they operate.

Domestic abuse can only occur in an ABUSIVE FAMILY SYSTEM (and yes, this is my professional opinion based off my experience). An abuser can’t be effective without support. Everyone in the family has certain roles that need to be filled for the system to function. And, the objective is ALWAYS to serve the most selfish and dysfunctional member.

I grew up in a stereotypical abusive family-aggressive, absent, alcoholic father. Replaced by authoritative, narcissistic, cop step-dad. My mom was unable to effectively stand up to them. I was an "invisible child"-no one paid much attention to me and I just did my best to avoid trouble. My husband's family presented itself in a very different matter, so it threw me off guard. There was money, good education, and his parents were married. I was given gifts, vacations and praise. I thought I was being shown love. But, it was a facade. It contained all of the same components, with all of the same roles: the narcissist, the enabler, the golden child, the scapegoat, the invisible ones (who take on their own coping personalities). I didnt realize that I wasn't just getting married, I was auditioning to fill a role in that family. Since I was raised in such a toxic environment, I didn't bat an eye when people acted completely out of line, which was the exact type of person that was acceptable-it was anticipated that I would let this person run my life, take over my children, and I that would take care of them in old age. I showed early in my relationship that my trauma response was “fawn” which meant I would do anything for people to avoid being treated bad-including take the blame for everything. I learned early that love was abandoning yourself for others and I was eager to prove to people I loved them.

Lucky me, I got to win one of the scapegoat roles (my husband's sister originally held the role and we often rotated who was considered the problem)

My husband's job from birth was to protect the abuser, so his job in marriage was the same.He was tasked to keep my in line when I would fight back when someone surveilled me, forged documents, committed crimes involving my children, took money from me and put their hands on me (more than once ). It was explained to me that I deserved to be controlled and degraded by this person because I USED to drink too much, because I didn't understand how good families worked (because mine was bad) that I didn't understand money, and basically that I didnt EARN good treatment because I disagreed with the person in charge-they were obviously just trying to ‘help’ my awful, wayward soul, and I was ungrateful-just like when I was a kid. But truly the worst was that my role as mother of my children was somehow less important than their role in my children's lives. My husband was NOT kind to me whenever I wouldn't back down, and was intensely angry with me when I wouldn't participate anymore(he turned verbally abusive and controlling himself), because I was upsetting the whole system that benefited him. He knew they wouldn't change, so me enduring was the only way to maintain status quo. Since he wouldn't stop the abuse from coming into my home, I decided to find my own home. And, at the end of the day, he didn't actually benefit from this either. He was tormented through twisted favoritism and is truly suffering from the result. While I couldn't endure his inability to handle the situation, I have true empathy for him because he was part of the system too-just with prettier packaging.I don't think he believed that someone he cared about would want to hurt me.

Its domestic violence awareness month and domestic doesn't always equate to partner. The awareness I needed was to PAY ATTENTION to the family you marry into-regardless if you want to or not, you WILL have a role in that system. And, If you marry the favorite son, you will be the scapegoat and blamed for EVERYTHING.

And while the labels of narcissist, golden child and scapegoat are there, the labels dont really matter. What matters is that some people want full control of everyone in their family and everyone around them. The main abusers (in my family of origin and the family I married into) had careers in society that carried authority-authority that was used to intimidate inside and outside the home.

The worst abusive tactic utilized by both of them was convincing me that I didn't understand the world around me and that I was literally insane. My “mental illness” was a symptom of familial abuse-not a chemical imbalance. You’ll be depressed when the people you trust to love you tell you that you arent worthy. You’ll be paranoid when someone is surveilling you. You’ll question if you're insane when people are telling you that you imagine things (because things you experience exposed them). Since I didn't want to cause people harm, I accepted my ‘mental illness’ as the main cause of family problems, therefore I could exert some semblance of control by treating it. I ended up getting diagnosed with everything, it has ALL been redacted from my charts(except PTSD). These diagnosis’ were used to further abuse me, as they only CONFIRMED that I deserved it, that even doctors said I was causing problems-that I was ‘crazy’. I have actual and probable damage done to my brain from all of the unnecessary medication. But, meds ‘worked’ because they made me non-reactive.

Now, all I can do is show my kids that is not the only family system to participate in. I thought divorce WAS the dysfunction, but its the only thing that will actually separate me from it.